This morning I drank coffee whilst taking a piss.

Its a clIche that men cannot multi task, but this morning I excelled myself. Perhaps spurred on by the caffeine buzz, my brain presented me with a rather disturbing thought – is this the pinnacle of the human form?

You’re already aware that no ‘sit down’ trip to the toilet is complete without a mobile device. Sit down, plug in, scroll down. This morning, I had theoretically demonstrated that the trinity is possible.

The problem to complete the triple, (that’s the wee, the phone, and the drink) is merely an engineering one. We are all one oculus rift away from The Matrix.

‘Food’ too is now being considered an engineering problem rather than something to be enjoyed. Soylent green is now a reality, all the calories and nutrients you need in one disgusting slimy broth.

Presumably there will soon be a valve which pumps it into your stomach, so you can remain plugged into the Oculus, sat on the toilet and endlessly defecting into the oblivion below

The caffeine oracle showed me the future. It’s somewhere between Wall-e and The Matrix.


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